Money Making Machines: Hospitals

Relax.  Considering this as a start-up may seem intimidating but you would be surprised how easy it is to set up a hospital in Nigeria. Don’t worry about your lack of credentials.  You don’t have to have a medical background of any kind.  Hospitals are founded on the backbone of astute entrepreneurs who understand that there will always be sick people – and they will pay anything to get better.

It doesn’t have to be as grand as John Hopkins and UCLH, or as big as LUTH.   You could open a hospital in your back garden.  All you need are the basics to start with: cotton wool, syringes and a few beds.

Use the attraction of a higher pay to lure overworked, frustrated doctors from government hospitals.  If you can’t afford such a salary, employ third-rate medical school graduates who are struggling to get a job elsewhere.

Put ‘specialist hospital’ in the name to gain the public’s trust so they are more likely to subscribe to your services.  Whatever you do has to be specialist.  This would justify the extortionate costs.  Of course no one would ever be sure what your specialty is and  you really don’t need to have one.  It just makes the hospital seem……special.

Much like schools, anything foreign is good.  So, go the extra mile to find a white or Indian doctor from somewhere.  Make sure they are always about so that patients can see them and feel their lives are in good hands.  You know how difficult it is to trust Nigerian doctors these days.

Not all patients are equal.  Some will bring in more cash than others.  Ignore aged clients because they have lived their lives and are old enough to die.  It is best to focus your energy on youthful patients who have a longer life of hospital visits and bills ahead of them.

There are never too many scans and tests.  Think about the Domino’s Pizza strategy.  You call in to order just a medium pepperoni supreme and you end up paying for a drink and a side to go with it.  Likewise, by playing on fears, always look for opportunities to suggest more unnecessary tests and medication to patients.  Make the offer irresistible and charge for each service, naturally.

Lastly, like all businesses: no money, no service.  However, in emergency situations: no money, die.


Image | Outside a hospital ward |Source: Nigerian curiosity


Money Making Machines: Church (Revisited)

Money Making Machines: Part 3

Now that your eyes have been opened to the great opportunities there are in the church industry, perhaps you are hungry for more advice on going further from initial baby steps to the expansion and dynamic growth of your empire.  This business undoubtedly merits another treatment as it is so lucrative that once you get it right, you are set for life.  Do not underestimate the automatic respect and overwhelming financial benefits that sprout from becoming a pastor.

If you do go into the business, one key principle you would need to understand is that you cannot go it alone.  Develop an army of worshipping assistants who would do things for God but absolutely anything for you.  They must be neat and suited but not as handsome as you.  These personal hallelujah boys are essential for your public image and elevate you to a god-like status. The more of them you have in your arsenal, the more members you would capture. Loyalty begets loyalty which ultimately translates to more cash.

However, do not let building membership be your only focus. Bear in mind that you want to make good money wherever possible.  Another move that seems to boost profit is competition.

You cannot expect to compete with an uninspiringly average name.  Make sure you devise a promising name – both for you and your church –  so that just by saying it, one feels a sense of greatness and accomplishment.  Strive to become a household name.

Establish your business to be neck and neck with similar – if not identical – churches in the area.  It is common knowledge among churchgoing circles that no matter how indistinguishable two churches are, they are different.  It is not strange to count more than six churches in less than a minute drive down a Lagos road or three churches in one building.  The more churches there are, the sweeter the contest.

You could even let the competition itself be your main source of income – not membership but Sunday attendance.  Consider concerts which depend on nightly ticket sales rather than fan clubs.  Instead of cultivating patrons, reserve your energy and resources for the periodic spectator.  Budget for well-known musical acts and comedians and don’t forget to advertise mercilessly.  Visitors would come from far and wide giving you access to more and more bank accounts.

Lastly, buy expensive things and show off your luxury.  In all you do remember this central truth: The more wealth a pastor acquires, the more wealth the pastor attracts.  Nigerians love rich pastors.  When they see you rocking Armani or cruising that Hummer it gives them hope that one day they too would make it, and hope leads to dumbfounding generosity.

Be sharp, innovative and charming, and soon you would have your own private jet.