This year of blogging has made me more confident. I am now laying bare thoughts and opinions that I normally would never say out loud to anyone. Both in writing and real life conversations, I am speaking my mind more (though still rather reservedly).
The funny thing is I have been writing for years but never saw this change in me. I began writing sometime after my father died. It started with short (awful) poems on grief and fears of remarriage, a seven-year-old trying as best as she could to express worry in misspelt words and terrible rhymes (mind you, I think my poetry is still crap). Writing has always been my way of expressing my introverted self, especially when opinions are too delicate to voice and emotions are difficult to feel. So, when I found myself in Nigeria once again, it seemed like the most obvious thing to do. The difference now is that I am sharing words with people.
Writing poems and journaling are the best way of sorting through thoughts and having coherent, intelligible conversations with myself. With blogging, I am no longer talking to myself. I am facing an audience: The world. And that’s scary. Yet, I find myself sharing quite freely.
Some thoughts are idiotic. I often go back to read my older posts and I am like, “Moji, what on earth?!”. But I am glad I voiced those thoughts anyway. I am really learning not to be ashamed of my mind. I am also learning that just because someone disagrees with my opinions doesn’t steal/impede my right to have and express them. I am usually hesitant with my words because people not agreeing with me somehow translates to my opinions being rubbish. Now I say them and take pride in having them.
Writing doesn’t always do justice to what’s going on inside my head. When I read through some posts, I am disappointed that I haven’t been able to capture the key thoughts and ideas or what I have written is rather different from what I actually think. Sometimes, I trash those posts but most of the time I publish them because half-said is better than not at all.
I am loving this growing confidence. I am grateful for this opportunity blogging has given me. And I am thankful for you who bother to read my posts.