Money Making Machines: Church (Revisited)

Money Making Machines: Part 3

Now that your eyes have been opened to the great opportunities there are in the church industry, perhaps you are hungry for more advice on going further from initial baby steps to the expansion and dynamic growth of your empire.  This business undoubtedly merits another treatment as it is so lucrative that once you get it right, you are set for life.  Do not underestimate the automatic respect and overwhelming financial benefits that sprout from becoming a pastor.

If you do go into the business, one key principle you would need to understand is that you cannot go it alone.  Develop an army of worshipping assistants who would do things for God but absolutely anything for you.  They must be neat and suited but not as handsome as you.  These personal hallelujah boys are essential for your public image and elevate you to a god-like status. The more of them you have in your arsenal, the more members you would capture. Loyalty begets loyalty which ultimately translates to more cash.

However, do not let building membership be your only focus. Bear in mind that you want to make good money wherever possible.  Another move that seems to boost profit is competition.

You cannot expect to compete with an uninspiringly average name.  Make sure you devise a promising name – both for you and your church –  so that just by saying it, one feels a sense of greatness and accomplishment.  Strive to become a household name.

Establish your business to be neck and neck with similar – if not identical – churches in the area.  It is common knowledge among churchgoing circles that no matter how indistinguishable two churches are, they are different.  It is not strange to count more than six churches in less than a minute drive down a Lagos road or three churches in one building.  The more churches there are, the sweeter the contest.

You could even let the competition itself be your main source of income – not membership but Sunday attendance.  Consider concerts which depend on nightly ticket sales rather than fan clubs.  Instead of cultivating patrons, reserve your energy and resources for the periodic spectator.  Budget for well-known musical acts and comedians and don’t forget to advertise mercilessly.  Visitors would come from far and wide giving you access to more and more bank accounts.

Lastly, buy expensive things and show off your luxury.  In all you do remember this central truth: The more wealth a pastor acquires, the more wealth the pastor attracts.  Nigerians love rich pastors.  When they see you rocking Armani or cruising that Hummer it gives them hope that one day they too would make it, and hope leads to dumbfounding generosity.

Be sharp, innovative and charming, and soon you would have your own private jet.

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2 Comments

    1. Yeah unfortunately it’s true. But I suppose one can’t really blame people for trying to be hopeful in this depressing climate. Hope is the only thing that’s keeping Nigeria alive.

      Liked by 1 person

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