“Black Angel, Give Me Your Number”

On this Valentine’s Day, I feel obliged to pay a personal tribute to some Nigerian men.  To all the self-confident, brave black men out there who know what they want and go for it without hesitation: I salute you.  Your unique optimistic outlook in life is a model to all.

Thank you for always seeing the best in me.  Although, through my self-esteem deficient eyes I have never seen myself as heavenly or sweet, you speak positively into my life when you call me “angel” and “honey”, even when we meet for the first time.  It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known me – two years or two seconds – you have high hopes for me.  The way you are so confident that your requests will be answered is admirable.  You don’t even bother to ask questions, you just make statements like “Give me your number”.  You know that it is your fundamental right to have any woman’s number as you desire.

Time and time again you have crowned me with the greatest honour any girl could ever hope for in life: “You are a wife material”.  I have struggled greatly towards this supreme achievement.  I have worked hard and built myself up to be likened to a kitchen appliance.

The way you show interest in a woman’s day to day activities is astounding.  You want to know every single detail from the “What did you eat for dinner?” to the “What did you dream of last night?”, followed by the inevitable “Did you dream of me?”.  Thank you so much for paying attention. When I walk past you, from the way you appreciate my backside I can tell you have good taste.  Nevertheless, do remember, we look and admire artwork – not touch.

Even when a woman asks you to leave her alone, you show endurance and true labour of love by holding the euphoric hope that she would have changed her mind in the next minute, hour or day.  You never give up trying because it is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single Nigerian woman recently returned home from studying abroad must be in want of a husband.  If not, she must be crazy.

You understand that you have the right to claim and conquer every and any kingdom including this one here.  Any woman will submit to your persistent and unwanted authority.  One is told that she is a destiny or accountability partner by quite a few men in her lifetime.  It is amazing how you all have varying revelations of a woman’s future.

Thank you for all the laughter, shaking shoulders and watery eyes you bring.  HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

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