Money Making Machines: Church

Money Making Machines: Part 1

If you’ve been wondering how to ‘make it’ in Nigeria, this series humbly suggests a few ideas to get your imagination going.

In these days of economic strife where the country’s much beloved oil is approaching worthlessness and with austerity measures suffocating us, setting up a church is a great idea.  We are all in desperate need of relief and encouragement.  Not a Christian?  No problem.  With dedication and a smooth charisma, your prosperity is assured.  Nigeria is an ever-ripe market for the commercialisation of the Gospel.

Look around you, see how many churches there are and how well-fed their pastors look in comparison to their congregation.  Don’t worry, there are never too many pastors or churches. Somehow the congregation will come from somewhere – whether drifters from another church or first time churchgoers, they will come.  Initially, profit may not be as high as other professions but with strategic planning and an innocent smile, business will boom.  Importantly, revenue will skyrocket in hard times.  You are guaranteed to have a brand new suit finer than the knock-offs and hand-me-downs your congregation wears and an endless flock of potential spouses.

You would need to learn how to project your voice and harness your nasal resonance in order to give your speeches.  Crescendo to really grab attention then a slow motion diminuendo for lasting effect.  You want whatever you say to shock people into motivation.  Give them what they want to hear.  Tell them that their success will come soon – in fact tell them that they are already rich.

Don’t worry about doctrine.  Testing and prodding is highly unlikely as long as your sermons make people feel more positive about the future.  If any doubt does arise in the heart of a member, they would soon remember how ‘moving’ and ‘helpful’ your motivational speech was for their latest venture.  Also, tell them that T. D. Jakes or Pastor Adeboye said it and all doubts would ease.  It would take a dedicated nemesis to go through the thousands of sermons these pastors have preached to confirm your guilt.  Be on your guard!  Those individuals do exist. There are always people who dream of becoming the senior pastor and are looking for the slightest opportunity to poach your company.

Remember, loads of dancing and loud singing!  Not only does this help relieve stress but it means more cash in the offering basket.  Do specify the minimum amount that should be dropped in the basket because breakthrough is money-dependent.  Tell them that their presence at the numerous ill-scheduled church programmes is compulsory and have a collection at each of these events.  They may lose their jobs for attending instead of working but who cares?

In a short while, you would have developed a steady congregation that worships you and a bank account that’s never empty. If you are successful in the complete bewitchment of your audience – and some intelligent people have accomplished this ultimate high – you would be more revered than God.



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